Ink

I'm uncertain why my first post was deleted. I hope I'm not doing something wrong - I attempted to join Twitter and that was a disaster resulting in nothing but frustration.

This past weekend I decided to get a raven with a feather, and "Scorching my seared heart with a pain, not hell shall make me fear again" next to the image. Kevin from The Tattoo Shop did the ink for me and I was more than pleased with the result. He worked for about an hour and a half on just that tattoo, and it looks amazing. Just starting to reach the itchy phase :)

The other tattoo I got is more elegant and simple - a Taurus (for Buster) and a Libra (for Doyle) intertwined on my right wrist. The Taurus is colored in red.

There is something about getting a tattoo that totally and completely encompasses me in relaxation. I have been compared to a freight train, and while I would like to argue the untruth of that comparison I really can't. I don't do anything lightly - I am rather intense and tend to multitask and my mind is always in motion. I can sit and stare at a wall for hours and entertain myself just by thinking...

However when I sit in a tattoo chair I allow myself to live in the moment; I feel the needle and listen to the vibration of the machine and I'm immersed in the feeling of being tattooed. I love it. Nothing relaxes me more, however I also realize I don't really want to be fully covered in ink. For whatever reason I do not feel pain when I am being worked on; it's pure pleasure, and I somehow allow my mind to relax and just be. It's amazing.

This particular session was very pleasing; the tattoos came out beautifully and the experience was positive. I made sure to tip my artist well to honor his talent and his time. After all, I am walking around with his art on my body; I recognize that he wants to represent himself well and be proud of his work. I'm certainly very proud, and if I'm judged for the ink I represent then whatever. People are shallow and I accept that - and I don't care.

Here are a few pics.

I'm off to bed - hoping that I can get some more sleep. I think that the itchiness of the tattoos might help me to relax; it will give me something to focus on and smile, and to be eager to see the final result after they are completely healed. Thanks Kevin; once again, you're a genius.

Insomniac Nation

For as long as I can recall I've never been very good about sleeping. It's just not something that comes naturally to me and yet I crave it. I woke up again, for the third day in a row this week, right around 4am. And before that about 3:20. And before that about 1:40. And before that I was mostly awake.

I commute to work and driving exhausted is dangerous - with your eyes rolling back in your head and your brain fighting just to focus your eyes - I worry that one of these days my willpower won't be enough to keep me from drifting off. I've had a few moments of fright when my eyes have closed for a hair longer than a blink and I've strayed a bit from the road, and it's always scared the shit out of me. The little adrenaline boost helps for awhile, but not long enough.

For others of you who understand what it's like to be chronically deprived of sleep - not because of children, illness, or a short term stress - I get it. I understand.

Work becomes absolute torture. Sitting there for 9 hours (because goddamn it they MAKE you take an hour unpaid lunch) is brutal some days. I've literally tried napping in my car, but have been so afraid I'll sleep past my lunch I always have someone call me to wake me up. Without fail I'm lying with my eyes closed, but sleep STILL remains elusive.

I've had all the tests you can imagine and even have a CPAP machine now. I take sleeping pills, and do all the "sleep hygiene" the professionals recommend. I used to drink scotch and take valium, vicodin, Ty 3 or any other narcotic I could find just to get 8 - 10 hours of much needed rest. After doing that for a number of years I realized it wasn't fair to punish my liver for a malfunction in my brain.

Here's the conclusion I've come to; some people are morning/day people, and others are night people. I'm trying to live in the wrong element. I'm clearly a night person. I often get my second wind around 10pm and can easily stay up until 4 or 5am even if I happened to wake up at 5am the day before. Going 24 hours with little or no sleep is not uncommon for me. I think that I'm trying to live in a day world with most of the rest of society when my brain is actually wired to run better at night.

Interestingly enough I did have a "brain map" done, and it did show that my Alpha waves run at night while my Delta waves (your sleep waves) run during the day. It might explain my overactive imagination during day hours and my extreme desire to nap all the time. And it also might explain my extremely vivid dreams, nightmares, insights and other oddities that seem to happen to me when I actually do sleep. It does make me wonder if there's something to the whole "night owl" and "morning dove" label mentality...

I definitely think more clearly at night, function better and feel better. I hate mornings - despise them. You can not only ask my siblings, but any ex, friend, co-worker and other unfortunate soul I run into before 2pm that I'm not tremendously pleasant to be around a lot of the time. However once I'm what I would consider awake and my brain trips on, I'm fast on my feet, creative, want to socialize and have tremendous stamina into the night. It was one of the reasons I could work all day, go to the theatre and paint sets until 3 or 4am, then nap and get back up at 6 to head into work again and repeat the process - and we're talking 10 years I did this. I know others make similar sacrifices to their art - but when is too much, too much? And what is the balance? How do I find it? For the past few years I've abstained from theatre, but it hasn't stopped my mind from running overtime as I lie in bed, petting Buster, and wishing I could just drift away from everything into pleasant oblivion for a few hours....

The problem is - how the hell do I find a job that pays as well and gives decent benefits where I can work 3rd shift? I have to commute now, so I guess I'd still be willing to commute, but let's face it - the world caters to the morning people. To those who love sunshine and daylight and like to get shit done while most other people are awake too. I see the convenience in this of course, but my body rebels against it and on mornings like this I literally hold tears of defiance and anger back from feeling forced to conform to the labels of normalcy I didn't create.

I must admit that I do "crash" every few weeks - and sleep for a solid 12 hours or so When I was younger I would obliterate an entire day with sleep and go almost 24 hours in blessed peace of non-dreaming rest. But that's become more elusive, and I am not able to play catch-up like I used to and it kinda sucks. Still - I'll take the long hours I can get when I can get them.

I'm not entirely sure what to do, but this ain't working.